27 Flights

For most of you, the below will be in left field. But maybe it will help some - and it will help me to write it down....

Most people see "Twilight" as a great series - addictive reading. But I am finding something much deeper and more real about this book. In the book, a high school junior and a vampire who is forever a high school junior fall deeper in love - on an emotional level - than anyone I have heard of in my life. Many people say it's because that is lust, or that is only "make believe". But in order for a human to know what that level of love in your body has the ability to do to you - the way it can transform you and addict you -- someone, somewhere has had to of experienced it. It may have only happened three times in all history - but it has happened. And I cannot stop myself from waiting for that. And I am just stubborn enough, and just idealistic enough, that I will wait for it - even if it never comes. And it may not. I know there is a soul binding love out there. One so strong that it comes a step away from the love God feels for us - - - because he created us in His image --- and that love is out there. I know it. And reading that book makes me long for it - and feel a crazy sadness knowing I may not be one of the lucky people who ever gets to experience it. And that's okay - because I will in Heaven.

When I finished the first book in the series (about 30 minutes ago), I realized I was late to a meeting on the 32nd floor of the hotel. So I went from my room on the 5th floor to the 32nd floor. When the meeting was over, I didn't want to fight the crowds on the elevator going downstairs for V-day dinner, so I decided to take the stairs - all 27 floors. The minute I got in the stairwell, I felt (and this is going to sound looney to most of you), like my life was like this stairwell. Each floor was someone new I would meet in my life. Each floor is different, with it's own characteristics and traits. And I felt right then that I was going to know when I hit "my" floor - - not the 5th floor -- but the floor for me. Just as I know I will meet that one out of a million (which is a bit more than 27) - and I will KNOW. Everything will be right and deep and more real than I could imagine. It will make me feel alive and I will experience a side of life and love that I never knew existed.....

I started down the flights. One at a time they passed- all the same- all flawed. Floor 30. 26. 20. 15. 12. 10. 8. 6. Not one stood out. And it broke my heart in the most un-realistic and un-logical way. There is no reason why 27 flights of stairs should make my heart break - but they did. And I entered floor 5, and started to walk to my room with a sense of loneliness and despair that I haven't really felt before. Knowing there is a soul-binding love out there that I may never experience.

And as I got to my room, I heard the people across the hallway screaming at each other. A man and woman. Cursing and saying terribly hateful things on this day that is supposed to represent love. And I heard him hit her, and she started crying and told him to stop. I called security and before they came - he left. When they asked her if everything was okay, she said "It's fine. Of course he didn't hit me. We have been married since 1994."

And my heart broke again. I can only hope that one day she realizes something better is out there. And I will wait. Until my dying day if I have to, to find that love. I know it is there - without a doubt. It is rare - but it is there. And I have to believe because I want it so badly and am willing to sacrifice now for later -- it will find me in time.

Travelling God Love

There is something so full about loving to travel, and not needing to come home -- but also something a little sad about it.

I have the opportunity to travel a lot in this job, and I find myself not minding being gone for two weeks - even thinking I wouldn't mind going for two additional weeks. And while that is great, and I love that I am independent and a strong woman, it is a little sad, too. Knowing that there are only two things to come home to. My animals and Michelle. Two things that I love deeply, but sometimes I wonder if my life is consists mainly of my work, and whether that is enough.

I know that sounds very "woe is me" - but I don't mean it to. I am insanely happy with having three things in my life in KC: my animals, Michelle and my job. But sometimes I wonder if I am shrinking my world down to a point where I am not doing what God wants me to. I love my life as it is - but not sure that I am doing enough to love the world. That may sound rather "granola-ish", but it's true. We are called to love people. And while I love people -- I love them when I see them. Which I don't that often. But, nor do I really crave wanting to. I enjoy spending each night with Michelle, and sometimes Sean.

I will let you know as I get more clarity on this - and I hope I do soon!